Cost/benefit

One of the days I got it right. I brought my walker to work which helped me walk and doubled as a place to hang my phone for timed selfies.

Some friends and I were chatting the other day about the fact that I sometimes choose to do things regardless of the consequences which I know will later come.

I’ve been thinking about that conversation for days.

On the outside I know it looks like I abstain from a plethora of activities because of my MG, which is true. I don’t run (not even to catch a bus). I’ll go to the bowling alley with friends but I don’t actually bowl. I don’t go for hikes. I don’t take the stairs unless I absolutely must. And the list goes on.

In reality though, I choose to engage much more often than I abstain.

Almost every activity in my day has the potential to hurt me and yet I still participate in so much. I’ll climb the stairs of a double decker bus because my daughter loves the top. I’ll make dinner although it tires my arms and back. I’ll drive to run some errands or to see friends knowing that my eyes will hurt afterward. I’ll take time to explain something to a colleague at work and then pump up my lungs as I recover from all the talking. I’ll sit at tables with friends, or coworkers, or family and hope that the Ktape on my back helps me stay upright.

Almost every motion of the day requires a cost/benefit analysis. I don’t automatically say no to things because there’s a cost. I just have to count that cost to make sure it’s feasible.

I’m sure I seem overly cautious to people when I decline invitations because I’m not sure what kind of chairs will be at the event, or when I ask that we not travel in the same car when they’re fighting a cold because I’m on immunosuppressants. And sometimes I’m sure I am overly cautious.

But I often get it wrong in the other direction too. I’ll think I’m able to teach that 3 hour course at work and then I’m gasping for breath that evening. I leave my walker at home, assuming my cane will be sufficient and then I’m holding on to walls as I limp around the office. I go grocery shopping and then feel the weakness in my hips all day afterwards.

I never quite know.

I’ll just keep trying to get it right.

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